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BC changes grizzly hunt to save endangered species
VICTORIA •
BC Minister of Earth, Wind and Fire, Joyce Murray, has pledged that she will make changes to the restarted grizzly hunt to ensure the preservation of newly endangered grizzly hunters. Murray made the surprise announcement at this weekend's ribbon-shooting ceremony to mark the BC Liberals' lifting of the grizzly hunting moratorium.
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Daywatch makes triumphant return to Ottawa
OTTAWA - Buffeted by the swirling winds of party discontent and a firestorm of criticism over his handling of a defamation suit, Stockwell Daywatch returned to Ottawa like a prodigal son. He insisted that the naysayers would soon see the light as he baptized the federal government's new legislative session in faithful fashion.
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Stock strikes back at legal foes
CALGARY - Sporting studious new glasses that emphasize his intellectual acuity, Canadian Alliance Leader Stockwell Day today unveiled an aggressive new strategy to deal with his recent legal woes. Mr. Day has fired the lawyers who represented him in his defamation suit and has hired an impressive new legal team to launch a professional injury suit against his former counsel. full story
Life in Canada overrated say business leaders
BAY STREET - Life in Canada is superfluous according to a comprehensive survey of Canada's corporate crème de la crème. The new poll, which was conducted by the Business Church of Self-Interest (BCSI), found that Canada's leading CEOs felt that the Canadian population was at best revenue neutral and may even be damaging our economic potential. full story
Poor pulling Canada down the drain
VANCOUVER - Findings in a new Phaser Institute study suggest it might be time to stop feeling sorry for the poor and start getting angry at them. The report claims that the underclass are not only responsible for creating the country's crushing debt, they are also dragging down the average standard of living of each and every Canadian. full story
Canadian pundits parrot perverse post-electoral platitudes
OTTAWA - If you thought that Gore's inevitable and abject capitulation would make the political-pundit-infested television airwaves safe from navel-gazing, left-wing conspiracy theorists, you'd be wrong. The election nightmare sleep-walking South of the border for the last month may have been finally laid to rest, but our own gangs of whining extreme-left kooks are still fighting Canada's long-dead federal contest.
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Alliance platform a cut above the rest
BAY STREET - The Canadian Alliance platform has received a key endorsement from the Business Church of Self-Interest (BCSI), the country's most important business group. BCSI president, Thomas Accutto said his group had analysed the vital economic impact of all five party platforms and "we came to the conclusion that the Alliance platform, 'Time for a Chainsaw,' is not only economically sound, but is clearly a cut above the rest." full story
Daywatch: Coming to a Canadian beach near you
WINNIPEG - Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Global TV is moving Baywatch, once one of the most popular television shows in the world, to Malibu North.
Eager to show its born-again faith in Canadian content as it tries to steer the biggest media merger in the country's history through regulatory approval, Global has repackaged the Baywatch concept as the all-Canadian Daywatch. They have already launched a Daywatch webtoon at www.daywatch2000.com. full story
New party promises world class tax cuts
OTTAWA - Canadians can be forgiven for being dayzed and chretfused about the current federal election. Just when they were getting used to the media portrayal of a nasty head-to-head battle between the Gliberals and Canadian Alliance, they've had the political rug pulled out from under them again.
In an unprecedented development today, the two leading federal parties announced that they are joining forces under the banner Gliberal Alliance Group (GAG). Canadian Alliance CEO Peter Whyte called the plan "a courageous act of political convergence that puts Canada first."
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Stockwell Day prescribes high-tech multi-streaming medical system
CALGARY - In his first major policy announcement of the election campaign, Canadian Alliance leader Stockwell Day today unveiled a bold new plan for streamlining health care services in Canada.
"Common sense dictates people with similar abilities should be streamed together, like in the education system," said Mr. Day. He claimed that "more efficiently targeted services will benefit ALL Canadians... with high incomes."
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Alliance plans winning covert photo-op strategy
OTTAWA - The Canadian Alliance is planning to build on their summer success in capturing the media spotlight with carefully staged events featuring Stockwell Day.
The National Pulpit has obtained top secret Alliance strategy documents which detail the dramatic scenarios the party's media handlers are preparing for the widely expected fall election campaign. full story
Trudeau's legacy will live on television
MONTREAL - Stunned by the boffo ratings for the wall-to-wall coverage of Trudeau's funeral, Canada's television executives have been huddled in strategy sessions all week. The race was on to see who would be the first to capitalize on the potential revenue bonanza from a series based on the event.
CBC fans will be proud that their network was first out the blocks to announce a new "reality-based" series called "Death of a Prime Minister." full story
Then there were six - Survivor gets down and dirty
BAY STREET - Industry insiders and ego-arbitragers were expecting excitement and cutthroat competition from the CEO castaways on Survivor - Canadian Media Mogul Edition, but no one expected the blood to flow so freely and quickly. With the world-class nastiness and dynamic double-dealing on display, convergence could become a medal sport for the next olympics.
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New vigil at residence of former Prime Minister
MONTREAL - Another week, another media vigil outside the Montreal home of a former Canadian Prime Minister. And once again confusion reigns as media pitt bulls fight ferociously for the tiniest scrap of bona fido information to infuse their aenemic stories with meaty detail.
The latest media feeding frenzy was sparked by the discovery of a fragment of an allegedly official fax stating that Brian Mulroney was "not well..."
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BC socialists red-faced over new budget flub-it fiasco
VANCOUVER - With the near-disastrous court case which accused them of fraudulently using claims of a balanced budget to steal the 1997 provincial election still ringing in their ears, the BC NDP government clowns have been caught with their fiscal pants down again. The startling revelation that last year's final numbers are 180 degrees from the socialists' most optimistic projections may be the final nail in their coffin of errors. full story
Survey shows Canadian Alliance poll momentum is snowballing
TORONTO - A groundbreaking new survey concludes that a massive unheaval is underway in the Canadian political polling landscape. The scientific study reveals that Canadian Alliance now has an almost insurmountable momentum in front-page newspaper poll analysis. full story
Survivor success tempts Canadian media giants
NEW YORK - The Survivor phenomenon that swept through the US television world like a powerful typhoon and changed their media landscape forever has arrived in Canada. The moguls of Hollywood North are vying for victory in this winner-take-all survival-of-the-biggest media circus.
In the Canadian version of the show, nine blood-thirsty corporate competitors are stranded on an isolated tropical island to fend for themselves in a dog-eat-dog battle for supremacy.
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Ontario Premier declares war on poverty
QUEENS PARK - Faced by evidence that the poor are a growing problem in Ontario, a chastened Premier Mike Harris admitted that his government's approach has failed and pledged to do everything in his power to eradicate poverty.
Premier Harris said that he personally believes it is "unacceptable in a province as wealthy and successful as Ontario to have such miserable and visible levels of poverty." full story
Day promotes daycare in byelection campaign
PENTICTON - Stockwell Day is using his byelection campaign to distance himself from his socially conservative, bible-belting, fundamentalist family values reputation. In the heart of BC's Reallianced Reform country, Mr. Day made an appearance at the Day Trader Day Care (no relation) to promote its 'university' childcare system.
Mr. Day told his fellow ultra-right-wing evangelicals not to fear day care facilities such as Day Trader which combine advanced internet education for toddlers with traditional homestyle child-rearing. full story
Day pledges government of tolerance and respect
BAY STREET - Stockwell Day's victory in the Canadian Alliance leadership race will bring a new level of scrutiny to his policies and personal views. He has lately been tarred and feathered as intolerant and divisive by a desperate lynch mob of mudslinging radical left-wingers, including Preston Manning.
But Mr. Day has struck back at his critics by outlining a comprehensive plan to promote tolerance, equality and respect for money in this country.
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Crucial endorsements see light of Day
CALGARY -
Stockwell Day has received some high profile endorsements in his bid to oust the Liberals and become Prime Minister. The Alliance is hoping that the new momentum will unite the far right and put him over the edge.
At a press conference, a variety of influential and previously undeclared right-of-centre leaders threw their combined weight behind Mr. Day, including: James Charles Kopp, Jim Keegstra, David Duke and Ernst Zundel.
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Alliance unveils secret weapon to unite the right
MARKHAM - On the deceivingly peaceful and bucolic rolling greens of a Markham golf course, the Canadian Alliance unleashed its devastating secret plan to destroy their enemies and unite the right. And many foie-gras stuffed Tories didn't even see the attack coming as they were incinerated by the friendly fire of the Alliance's stealth cruise missile, Brian Mulroney. full story
Prime minister promotes 'Canada's turd way' abroad
BERLIN - Prime Minister Chretien was in town recently to meet with Bill Clinton and other politicians who subscribe to the mild centre-left ideological pabulum which Tony Blair has dubbed the "third way." Chretien's first order of business was to overcome the snub of not being on the original guest list and the humiliation of having to wheedle a second-string invitation.
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Health Canada warns of more blackterial contaminations
OTTAWA - While the country is still reeling from the tainted water scandal in Walkerton, the federal government is warning of another potentially dangerous infection. Health Canada has issued an emergency bulletin warning that 58% of Canada's daily newspapers are awash in contaminated Black Newspaper Ink. which contains dangerous concentrations of the e-conrad blackterium.
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Long returns list to National Post
TORONTO - Tom Long has repudiated a Toronto Star report that alleges the National Post donated its subscription list to the campaign's telemarketing effort to sign-up new Alliance members. "This is the latest example of the Star using shoddy and biased reporting in a pathetic attempt to fabricate some kind of silly 'list-gate' scandal that does not exist," said Long spokesperson Ig Noble hotly. full story
Proof that Tom Long is the right saviour
SARNIA - It's no secret that Canada's far right has been looking high and low for a
saviour after years lost in the wilderness of opposition. Ever since the
Liberals sowed the seeds of discord by sinfully stealing their platform
of slashing social spending and cutting taxes for the rich, the right
hasn't had an electoral leg to stand on, or a policy pot to piss in.
But many political soothsayers believe that recent signs point to Tom Long,
aka St. Tomas of Sarnia, soon being installed in the
heavenly seat of 24 Sussex. full story
Black crucifies another anti-corporate cleric
LONDON - Hollinger chairman Conrad Black is making a habit of attacking religious leaders that he accuses of inappropriate and biased meddling in his affairs. In a recent interview, he decried the "reckless guilt-mongering" and "luddite assault" on capitalism contained in a book by a high-ranking Catholic official which Black blasted as a "naive, sophomoric mishmash." Mr. Black insisted that he is still a devout Catholic, but added that he felt it was his Christian duty to excoriate "trendy clerics mouthing socialist platitudes." full story
Winning the newspaper war
TORONTO - Over the last two years, much ink has been spilled over Canada's newspaper wars. Most of the media interest has centered on Toronto and the bloody battle between the Thomson's Globe and Mail and Hollinger's National Post.
Hollinger Chairman Conrad Black recently met with the media to dispel any notion of a stalemate in the Canadian newspaper trench warfare. "I don't want to brag too much, but obviously the other guy blinked first," said Mr. Black, referring to Thomson's February decision to sell all of its newspapers except the Globe and Mail. full story
Ending anti-social assistance
TORONTO - While the storm of outrage and indignance about the Liberal's HRDC job-grant boondoggle is well-founded, there is a danger of missing even more scandalous misuses of taxpayers money. At least most of these job-grants went to large corporations and organizations that are preserving the Canadian way-- such as increasing their profit margins and grooming model low-wage service employees. Meanwhile, every day our television screens are bombarded with images of unruly and illegal demonstrations, but many people do not realise that most of the professional protesters are subsidized by law-abiding, tax-paying Canadians through "anti"-social assistance. full story
The Whimper in Washington
WASHINGTON - The forces of anti-progress, anarchy and anachronism tried to kidnap and blackmail our cherished ceo-cratic institutions in Washington this weekend, including the World Bank and IMF. Although the Battle of Seattle has been described as Globalization's Vietnam, careful planning ensured that this weekend was its Gulf War. The Rabble from Seattle invaded en-masse in an overt attempt to destroy corporate truth and justice and entrench despotic mob rule.
But fortunately, order and civilisation prevailed in Washington and the government's Operation Deserted Streets was a complete success. full story
BCSI Summit on the Mount
TORONTO - The Business Church of Self Interest (BCSI) gathered 250 of the chosen few in Toronto last week for a CEO Summit on the Mount. BCSI high-priest Thomas D'Apostle told the cell-phoned bearing multitude that "our mission is to strengthen Canada's ceo-ocracy and to make this country the best place in the world to be rich."
The congregation was a diverse cross-section of Canadian CEOs-- from the largest domestic corporations to subsidiaries of the biggest US multinationals. full story
Medicare crisis-- new hope for a cure
MARKHAM - "The meeting was a success but the patient died," could serve as an epitaph for last week's Health Ministers meeting to save Medicare. Despite the gloomy prognosis, insiders have revealed to the National Post that several provinces were meeting-- outside the eye of the cameras-- to try and jump-start the patient. Spearheaded by Ontario and Alberta, the most vocal critics of Liberal health policies, the negotiations were said to be speeding toward a broad-based accord on preserving public healthcare for future generations. full story
Ultra-secret agreement for righteous Reform Alliance entente
TORONTO - The National Post has learned of top secret talks between recalcitrant Reformers and fallen Canadian Alliance angels on a marriage of convenience for the next federal election that could ensure Manning's leadership coronation. This behind-the-scenes initiative has apparently already achieved broad consensus on many previously contentious issues including: core values, election strategy, and the leadership structure of a future alliance. full story
Lord Black to receive rightful peerage
LONDON - Conrad Black's painful "always a brides-mogul never a bride" wait for his stymied lordship is finally over. Black's name has again been put forward on a Queen's Honors List and the Prime Minister's Office has officially announced that Canada will not oppose his richly deserved reward. Plain, milquetoast Conrad Black will soon be to the manor reborn as Lord Blackheart of Freedonia. full story
Black expands suit
Conrad Black and Hollinger Inc. are expanding their $500,000 defamation suit gainst NDP MP Lorne Nystrom. The revised court documents name additional defendants including: the NDP party, member unions of the Canadian Labour Congress, and the left. In addition, the statement of claim includes an enhanced request for punitive damages of $5 billion for "grievous ideological harm." full story
Con and Ted's Excellent Media-venture
Before the fairy dust and self-congratulatory rhetoric of the BCE-CTV merger has even settled, the large shadow of new media conglomeration has blotted out the horizon. Canadian news titans Conrad Black and Ted Rodgers have announced they're joining forces in a new company called Codgers. full story
Paul Martin's budget balancing act
OTTAWA - Finance Minister Paul Martin Jr. revealed his mastery of acrobatics with the 2000 federal budget. His latest financial sleight-of-hand includes a new and improved 50-1 formula that "balances" 50 angelic taxcut dollars on each pinheaded dollar of social program spending.
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Hollinger responds to Thomson newspaper sell-off
CHICAGO - On the heels of the announcement that Thomson Corp. is selling all but one of its newspapers, Hollinger International of Chicago will used NAFTA to challenge Canada's restrictive newspaper ownership rules. Although Hollinger's current 44 per cent control of Canadian daily newspapers is within regulatory cap of 100%, a purchase of Thomson assets could take them to the limit much faster than original estimates. full story
Luscar shifts gears on Cheviot pit-mine
JASPER - Luscar will use hi-tech "smart-mining" missles to produce a new world-class heritage sculpture at its proposed Cheviot mine near Jasper National Park. The company has decided to take a proactive approach to environmental restoration for its controversial open-pit coal mine. As an integral part of the mining process, it will carve a monument to recent Canadian heroes into the rock-creating an environmental attraction at the site. full story
In-breeding may bring new plagues
Canadian researchers are sounding a warning bell over accelerating media extinctions in this country. The scientists predict that this unprecedented collapse of the news gene pool could cause serious information in-breeding and greatly increase the incidence of media-mutagenic diseases. full story
Scratch-And-Weep Lottery turns payday into playday
As part of the new employment incentive program at the Sterling Newspaper Chain in BC, employees will receive Scratch and Weep lottery cards with each of their paychecks. full story
Southam president trumpets green plan
DON MILLS - Southam president Don Babick today pledged to implement the recommendations of an environmental audit of the company's Alberta operations and to make his company the "greenest in our industry." The first bold step is a newsprint rationalization program that will save thousands of hectares of Alberta forest by merging the Calgary Herald and the National Post. full story
FBA to police media fairness and balance
TORONTO - Canadian Media barons are establishing an independent watchdog agency to help fight their war on dangerously biased news.
The Canadian Press Council will become the Fairness and Bias Agency (FBA) to promote greater Fairness Accuracy and Balance in Canada's newspapers.
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Software eliminates press release drudgery
VANCOUVER - The Vancouver Province released details of its joint venture with Microsoft/ AOL/ Netscape/ Time/ Warner/ EMI/ Turner/ CNN. The Electronic Flexiwrite Linked Article Convergence Knowledgebase (E-Flack) software could revolutionize the newspaper industry through automatic generation of meaningful and interesting news content from government or corporate press releases.
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Hollinger hires Seattle's ex-police chief as security supremo
New Hollinger Scab Security Commander, Norm "Stomp'em" Stampers, today unveiled the fashionably black-shirted uniform for the company's Replacement Worker Protection Program.
Ex-Seattle Police Chief Stampers was widely credited with regaining control of city streets after soft-headed politicians had let the hardened criminal WTO protesters spin out of control.
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